Here’s Your Sign! An *Official Fall Horoscope Reading by Max Monroe
Here’s Your Sign! An *Official Fall Horoscope Reading by Max Monroe
*Sort of official. More like, we tried really hard, but we’re not technically astrologists.
Max: Well, Monroe, how are you feeling today?
Monroe: Quite honored, actually!
Max: Yes! Same here. We can’t thank Melissa enough for giving us the opportunity to be featured on the Biblio Babes site, and we’re so excited to be here and share a good time with everyone today!
Monroe: Because “good time” is practically our middle name. [waggles brows]
Max: Oh yeah. [laughs] Just call us Max Good Time Monroe.
Monroe: Exactly! [snorts] And, in the spirit of our new name, we’ve decided to give you an official Max Monroe Fall Horoscope reading! Right now, in fact!
Max: [blinks several times] We…uh…can do that?
Monroe: [nods enthusiastically] Totally. Well, technically, these are horoscope readings from the Moon. We are simply just her medium.
Max: The Moon is a lady?
Max: You’re right. [nods] But before we get started, we should probably let everyone know they should address the Moon directly with any and all inquiries about their horoscopes, right? Especially, like, any inquiries that involve anger. Definitely send those suckers straight to the Moon.
Monroe: Precisely. And have no fear, friends, I have Ms. Lunar’s email ready—[email protected]
Max: Perfect. [grins] And now, without further ado, let’s dive straight into the fun! Here are your official Fall Horoscopes!
Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you need to do is call—Oh wait, that’s the theme song to Gilmore Girls.
Okay…what were we saying again?
Oh, right. Your Fall Horoscope!
Life is full of choices. So many choices. Options. Decisions.
Blah blah blah, ya know?
Basically, all you can do is weigh out the pros and cons and choose the heaviest option. Or maybe it’s the lightest option? Meh. You’ll figure it out. You Aries are crazy-good at figuring stuff out. You’re like the MacGyver’s of the astrology world. Or, at least, that’s what Mars told us.
Oh, and one more thing. Always, always, always brush only the teeth you want to keep. Even hot single dads with sexy smiles think teeth are important.
Man oh man, we sure spent a buttload of money online shopping during quarantine, didn’t we?
Don’t worry, Tauruses. You have the innate ability to focus, keep your head down, and plunge forward. Do that this week, and you’ll be amazed where you end up. Could be a new job. Could be in Vegas, singing “Pour Some Sugar on Me” and pulling singles out of your underwear, or it could even be in a quickie wedding with a handsome single dad.
No matter the outcome, there is no doubt you’ll forget all about those thirty T-shirt dresses you bought off Amazon.
Because Mars has adjusted its rotational spin by 0.00000000000832mm, if you see a black cat this week, you’re supposed to name it Fabio and let it live inside your house.
Unfortunately, Fabio is one of two things: your hot-single-dad neighbor’s cat or a cat that does not want to be domesticated and will promptly destroy everything you own.
Girl, you are in tune with your emotions. And the Moon and sun think that’s pretty darn cool. But let’s be real, if you want to be productive over the next few months, then you have to avoid all of the emotional, sad-sack movies.
No Marley and Me.
No The Notebook.
No Baby Teeth. (P.S. Holy moly, that’s an ah-mazing movie, but you are not allowed to watch it. Because…emotions.)
Just don’t watch the sad stuff, okay?
Stick with rom com movies.
And Max Monroe rom com books. Especially ones about charming single dads. Yeah, read those suckers because they will for sure make you laugh your booty off. Or, at least, that’s what the Moon told us to tell you.
Uranus has started beef with Saturn. Yeah. No bueno.
Think of this like that time Nicki Minaj and Cardi B were, like, throwing shoes at each other at some after party.
Unfortunately for you, the only way to get Uranus and Saturn to be friends again is to challenge your boss to a rap battle…and win.
You have to win or else… Well, we don’t know what will happen, but it’s probably bad. This is the universe we’re talking about.
Anyway, good luck, Leo. May the rhymes flow and the beats bump in your favor. We suggest a hot remix about an even hotter single dad.
Holy moly, Virgo, you are one hardworking biotch.
Where does all of that motivation come from? Truthfully, just hearing you talk about all the stuff you’re accomplishing makes the rest of us look like lazy sloths.
The one caveat is you’re the most likely to get rich and miserable. There’s nothing you can do about that, so maybe you need to start getting used to the idea of sleeping on piles of money while feeling like the loneliest girl in the world.
Hey, at least you won’t have to feel guilty about online shopping like Taurus or challenge your boss to a rap battle to save the universe like Leo, right?
I mean, you’re going to be super lonely, but you’re going to be rich too, so who knows? Maybe you can, like, buy some friends or something. Maybe even pay someone to produce a movie for you about a character with your name who finds love with a sexy single dad.
The Moon is the limit, you know?
When you smile, people will start to wonder what you’re up to.
When you laugh maniacally, people will start to worry that you’ve gone crazy.
But if you sing show tunes in Yiddish while running up and down the streets of New York naked, E! will want you to star in your own reality show.
And, word on the street is that you’ll end up taking over the Kardashians’ coveted spot.
How ’bout them apples, huh? Bet you didn’t think you’d end up with your own reality show.
Real talk: Don’t get your hopes up too much. We’re very new at this horoscope-reading thing, and truthfully, we were getting two readings for you simultaneously. Reality show or finding a new favorite cupcake recipe.
Obviously, the reality show was WAY more exciting and won out. Especially because we’re pretty sure there’s a charming single dad sweeping you off your feet (only if you’re currently single, of course) in there somewhere too.
Scorpio, you are fluffing awesome. You are passionate, resourceful, and everyone’s best friend.
You are also most likely to have bought $12,000 worth of lip-plumping lip gloss at wholesale cost because you had a foolproof, genius, get-rich-quick plan.
(It did not make you rich, by the way. Sheesh. Did you screw that one up or what?)
Just…don’t buy any more lip gloss, okay?
And don’t join a pyramid scheme in the hopes that it will make you lots of cash money.
Also, Venus has informed us that you should not join a cult.
Definitely do not do that. We suggest…wait, we mean the Moon suggests you take up an interest in single dad romantic comedy books instead. Pretty darn good advice, if you ask us.
There is a really *big possibility that you will get hit in the head by something and it will make you have temporary psychic powers.
So, maybe buy some lottery tickets? Once you have the powers, obviously.
Oh, and we’re sorry about your head. Hopefully, it doesn’t hurt too much. Get some ice and a hilarious single dad rom com book to take the edge off.
*By big possibility, we mean, like, a 0.000000000001% chance this might happen. Which is more than any of the other signs, so…there you have it.
Love is in the air, Capricorn. It is in the air, and it smells like cupcakes.
Honestly, the Moon was pretty vague about your horoscope, so from what we’ve gathered, you’re either going to meet the love of your life or you’re going to eat a cupcake.
Maybe even multiple cupcakes if you’re feeling frisky.
Or maybe multiple loves of your life.
Who knows? Maybe one of them is even a sexy single dad…hubba-hubba!
The universe wants you to know that in the next two months you are going to eat the best slice of pizza you’ve ever had in your life.
In order to achieve this huge accomplishment, you must fly on a Friday to Rome and meet with a guy by the name of Luigi. He will be standing near the Colosseum. He will have on a green hat and will be looking for a man by the name of Mario.
Once you help Luigi find Mario, he will show his appreciation by bestowing the best slice of pizza ever created into your hands. At some point during these events, Luigi will share that he is not only a pizza connoisseur, but a dedicated single dad too.
This just in, directly from the Moon. Very, very soon, all Pisces will experience a very horrible or very fantastic encounter with a friend who has a face.
What does that mean?
That’s a great question, and frankly, your guess is as good as ours.
But, hey, silver lining…you don’t have to worry about anything bad happening with your faceless friends. Maybe the friend with a face even knows a hot and swoony single dad. We can all hope, right?
Max: Well, well, the Moon certainly had a lot to say this time around, huh?
Monroe: [nods, eyes wide] She sure did!
Max: Do you think it means anything that she had SO much to say about single dads? I mean, that was weird, wasn’t it?
Monroe: Suuuper weird. Especially since we have a book coming out on the 13th that just so happens to be about a charming, sexy, swoony-as-hell single dad.
Max: Hmm. [taps chin] That’s crazy. It’s as if she knew about our upcoming release or something. Do you think she knows we’re getting ready to release Single Dad Seeks Juliet on October 13th?
Monroe: I mean…maybe? [shrugs]
Max: Oh well. Seems like the Moon knows what she’s talking about to me.
Monroe: Me too. [nods and winks] I guess we should all go out and meet ourselves a hot single dad on October 13th.
Max: Sounds like a plan to me!
About Max Monroe
Nearly five years ago, a dynamic duo of romance authors teamed up under the pseudonym Max Monroe, and, well, the rest is history…
Max Monroe is the New York Times and USA Today Bestselling Author of over thirty contemporary romance titles. Favorite writing partners and long-time friends, Max and Monroe strive to live and write all the fun, sexy swoon so often missing from their Facebook newsfeed. Sarcastic by nature, their two writing souls feel like they’ve found their other half. This is their most favorite adventure thus far.
Connect with Max Monroe
Dear Internet: Am I a horrible person for wanting to sabotage my work assignment—completely wreck a dating contest—because I hate the idea of love?
I know it sounds bad, but just hear me out, okay?
I (33F) work at a local paper, and two months ago, my editor assigned me a huge project—run the upcoming, highly anticipated Bachelor Anonymous contest.
In essence, I’m supposed to help a reader-nominated bachelor find his special someone, and while I should be excited to handle something of this magnitude solo, I can’t help but get queasy over how gross it feels.
Like, how cheesy could this thing get?
Not to mention, I’m the last person who should be involved in this—my dating and relationship history is a cluster. Generally, the person in charge of these things shouldn’t fantasize about lighting the whole three-ring dating circus on fire.
Anyway, men from all over Southern California, vying for the coveted bachelor role, submitted their personal ads to my paper. The readers voted, and Single Dad Seeks Juliet won by a landslide.
Enter Mr. Bachelor Anonymous (40M), the single dad Romeo seeking his Juliet.
Blah, blah, blah, right? Wrong.
You guys—and I cannot stress this enough—this guy is the ultimate man in a six-foot-three, chiseled-muscle, freaking Adonis package with aquamarine eyes that would haunt the dreams of an insomniac.
He’s a former Navy SEAL, successful business owner, motocross-riding, charming, supportive, funny-as-heck single dad, and the more time I spend with him, the more I want to bring this contest thing crumbling to the ground for an entirely different reason.
Real talk: I think I’m falling for him.
Me, the woman who despises love, might be falling for the completely off-limits Bachelor who I’m ironically assigned to help find love, while five other women think they’re the only contestants competing for his heart.
So, Internet. Am I scum? Or is all fair in love and war?